


Pilot

by blackberry_jam



Series: Hinterlands Nine-Nine [1]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events (TV), A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket, Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)
Genre: Carmelita is Gina, Duncan is Charles, F/M, Fiona is Rosa, Isadora is Terry, Klaus is Holt, No one is related by the way, Olaf and Fernald are Hitchcock and Scully, Quigley is Jake, This is a Brooklyn 99 au, Violet is Amy, basically just word for word from the episodes, mentions of minor violence but it’s not graphic, mentions of non explicit sex, some people have different last names to avoid confusion, with changes though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:22:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25154653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blackberry_jam/pseuds/blackberry_jam
Summary: “This job is eating me alive. I can't breathe anymore. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy. The man in the white hat.” Quigley said, looking forward, seriously. “I'm not becoming like them. I am them.”He stared forwards, a grim expression on his face.“Hey! What are you doing, weirdo?” Violet Baudelaire, his case partner asked, incredulously, looking over from where she was interviewing the store owner.
Relationships: They’re all friends so I won’t tag them all, one sided Duncan Quagmire/Fiona Widdershins
Series: Hinterlands Nine-Nine [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1822243
Kudos: 3





	Pilot

**Author's Note:**

> So, this has been in the works for a while, and I decided to polish it up.
> 
> This is based on ‘Brooklyn 99’, the television show, and therefore will cover the same themes, so of you’re not okay with that, don’t read. 
> 
> This particular one covers the episode ‘Pilot’ (season one, episode one), but feel free to request any episodes you really like!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!

The Hinterlands Police Department had many great detectives and uniformed officers, and Quigley Quagmire, one of Boston’s finest, was one of them.

“This job is eating me alive. I can't breathe anymore. I spent all these years trying to be the good guy. The man in the white hat.” Quigley said, looking forward, seriously. “I'm not becoming like them. I am them.”

He stared forwards, a grim expression on his face.

“Hey! What are you doing, weirdo?” Violet Baudelaire, his case partner asked, incredulously, looking over from where she was interviewing the store owner.

“I'm doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco. Or, actually… ten of me are doing the best speech from Donnie Brasco.” Quigley grinned at her, as he pointed towards the camera he was looking at, his face projected on multiple screens behind him. “What's up?”

Violet sighed, rolling her eyes. “Get it together, man, okay?”

She turned back towards the man, standing by, watching their interaction apprehensively. “So, the store was hit about two hours ago. They took mostly tablets, laptops, and cameras.”

The man nodded, before his face contorted in confusion and annoyance as upbeat music began to play behind Violet’s back.

“Sorry.” Quigley said, not sounding the least bit sorry, as he switched the music off.

Violet only exhaled, deeply, as the music stopped.

“I’d like a list of all your employees who ever had access to the store.” Violet said, professionally. “I’d also like to apologize for my partner. His parents didn’t give him enough attention.”

Quigley rolled his eyes, crossing the room, mindful not to step on any broken glass. “Uh… detective?”

Violet turned around to face him.

“I already solved the case.” Quigley claimed. “We're looking for three white males, one of whom has sleeve tats on both arms.” 

“And how do you know that?” Violet asked, sceptically.

“I had an informant on the inside. He's been here for years. Watching, learning, waiting… his code name…” Quigley began, reaching behind him and pulling out a clean looking teddy bear. “Fuzzy Cuddle Bear. He’s a nanny cam.”

“Ugh!” Violet groaned, crossing her arms. “You got lucky.”

“No.” Quigley said, smiling. “I got here five minutes before you and figured that in this gigantic electronics store there had to be at least one working camera.”

He reached into the back of the teddy bear, pulling out a video tape and inserting it into one of the nearby tape players. The ten screens lit up, and the video footage from the robbery played on them.

“Oh! Hi bad guys.” Quigley mock waved at the screen, before turning to the teddy bear. “You did it, Fuzzy. You busted ‘em. It’s time to come home.” He pitched his voice high, shaking the bear as he spoke for it, “I’m not sure if I can. I’ve been undercover so long, I’ve forgotten who I am. I've seen terrible things. I haven't known the touch of a woman in many moons—”

“All right.” Violet said, rolling her eyes as she turned and walked towards the exit.

“Detective Baudelaire?” Quigley called, still in the stupid high pitched voice. “Don’t walk away from me!”

Violet walked away.

Back at the police station, the precinct was full of officers, some chatting amongst themselves, others tapping away at their keyboards.

“Yes, I did crack the case.” Quigley declared, lounging on his plastic chair in the briefing room. “So, Baudelaire, would you do the honours?”

Violet sighed, standing up and crossing to the front of the room, and the whiteboard standing there. She picked up an eraser, rubbing out the messy number ‘23’ written in one of the small boxes at the top of the board.

“I hate this.” She muttered under her breath, as she picked up a whiteboard marker. 

“Oh, yeah.” Quigley smirked. “And you’re just gonna wanna add one.”

Violet did, printing the number ‘24’ in neat, small, writing.

“I’m winning!” Quigley cheered.

The other officers all clapped, and whooped.

“It’s a good feeling, it’s a good feeling.” Quigley grinned around at everyone. “Yeah.”

“Enjoy it while it lasts.” Violet said, smugly.

“I will, I will.” Quigley said.

Their sergeant, Isadora Brown, stopped up to the pedestal, placing a stack of papers on it. 

“Q.Q, update on the Morgenthau murder?” She asked, her voice strong and commanding.

Quigley nodded, standing up and taking his place at the pedestal. “Yeah, well, good news for all you murder fans, ‘cause earlier this morning, someone decided to shoot and kill luxury food importer, Henry Morgenthau. Body was found by the cleaning lady. During her interview, I deducted using expert detective work,” He clicked the remote, and a picture of an elderly woman appeared on the screen. He clicked it again, zooming in on her face, “that, she had something super gross on her chin.”

They all exclaimed in disgust.

“I think it was flan.” Duncan, another of the detectives volunteered.

“Duncan thinks it was flan.” Quigley said, as if he was auctioning something off. “I think it was butterscotch pudding.”

“Maybe it was just old person gunk.” Fiona shrugged. “You know how old people always have that gunk on them?”

“Oldie gunk.” Quigley said, seriously pondering the suggestion. “Could be, yeah. Anyone else?”

“How about we focus on the murder, and not the old person gunk?” Isadora suggested, tactfully.

“Crime techs are at the scene now. We're heading back when they're done.” Violet said, waving her notebook at her. 

“Okay. I want you on this. It’s gonna be priority one, for the new CO.” Isadora ordered, picking up her files and turning to leave.

“Wait.” Fiona said. “Tell us about the new captain.”

“Captain Schmidt will be here soon. He’ll want to introduce himself.” Fiona explained. “Dismissed.”

“Hey, Carmelita, you know any scalpers?” Duncan asked, dropping himself into the chair across from the office’s assistant. “I wanna ask Fiona to go to the Rihanna concert with me, but it’s sold out.”

“Okay, two points to make here.” Carmelita said, lowering her eyes from her phone screen to look at him. “First, Rihanna? You… and then Rihanna?”

“Yeah.” Duncan said, as if he hadn’t gotten the point she was trying to make. “What’s your second point?”

“She’s… got a type.” Carmelita began. “Which is really anyone but you.”

Duncan shrugged. “Yeah, that was my ex-wife’s type, too.”

Carmelita grimaced. “Look, a Rihanna concert is a pretty big swing, man. I don't know. She's into watching old movies.”

“Cool!” Duncan said, enthusiastically. “Where would I find a place that shows old movies?”

“Oh, yeah.” Carmelita said, picking up her phone again, already losing interest in their conversation. “Just go on the Internet and search for the phrase, ‘I want to buy two movie tickets for a girl who doesn’t like me.’”

“Great!” Duncan said, obviously not understanding her meaning as he stood back up. “Thank you, good.”

Carmelita only rolled her eyes as he walked off.

“Hey, have you heard anything about the new captain?” Violet asked, sitting on the edge of Quigley’s desk as she aimed her coffee cup into the bin. 

“Uh, no, and I don’t care.” Quigley said, dismissively. “I just wish Captain McGintley never left. He was the best.”

“He was terrible!” Violet cried, exasperatedly. “You just liked him ‘cause he let you do anything you wanted.”

Quigley chuckled. “Yeah, remember when he let Fiona and I race the fire extinguishers on the roller chairs?”

Violet shook her head, disappointedly.

“What’s your point?” Quigley asked.

“If I'm ever gonna make captain, I need a good mentor.” Violet explained. “I need my rabbi.”

Quigley made a face at her. “Sorry, dude. But this new guy’s gonna be another washed-up pencil pusher, who’s only concerned with,” he paused, making his voice robotic and moving his arms in a jerky manner, “following every rule in the patrol guide. Meep morp zeep! Robot captain engage.”

As Quigley was carrying on in his charade, an unfamiliar man came to stand behind him.

“Is that what you think?” The man, presumably the new captain asked.

Quigley froze, spinning around to face him. “Hey!” He chuckled, awkwardly. “New captain alert! You must be the new CO. I’m Detective Quigley Quagmire. Great to meet you.”

“No, don’t let me interrupt you.” The man said, his face neutral and voice deep. “You were describing what kind of person I’m going to be. I’d like you to finish.”

Quigley laughed, awkwardly. “That’s not necessary.”

The man’s face turned even stonier, if possible. 

“...or I could recap very quickly.” Quigley said. “Sure, uh, let’s see. I think I said some joke about being a washed-up pencil-pusher.”

“Now do the robot voice.” The man urged. 

Quigley faked confusion, but the man gazed at him sternly.

“The robot voice you were doing when you implied that I’m a rule -following robot.” The man prompted. “I want to hear it again.”

Violet looked at him, expectantly.

“Meep, morp, zeep.” Quigley said in his robotic voice, much less enthusiastically than he had before. “Robot…”

“That’s a terrible voice.” The man said. 

“Yep.” Quigley said, slowly.

The man looked him over for a minute. “The next time I see you, I’d like you to be wearing a necktie.” 

“Oh, uh, actually the last captain didn’t care if we wore ties.” Quigley explained.

“Well, your new captain does.” The man said, sternly. “And more importantly, he cares that you follow his direct orders.”

Quigley nodded, slowly, as the man stepped into the middle of the office.

“Everyone.” He said, drawing their attention. “I’m your new commanding officer, Captain Klaus Schmidt.”

“Speech!” Violet cheered, pumping her fist in the air.

“That was my speech.” The man said.

“Short and sweet.” Violet said, grimacing slightly.

“Sergeant Brown. A word.” Klaus said.

“Yes, sir.” Isadora nodded, following him into the office.

After the door was shut, they all turned to each other. 

“I love that guy.” Violet said, smiling widely.

“Same!” Quigley said, mimicking her.

“He's so suave.” Carmelita said. “Does anyone get a little bit of a gay vibe?”

They all looked at her blankly.

“No? Okay.” She shrugged, heading back to her desk, and more importantly, her phone.

“Sergeant.” Klaus said. “You were in the One-Eight with me, but what’s this I hear about you being on administrative leave?”

Isadora took a deep breath in. “A year ago, my husband and I had twin baby girls, uh..” She paused, patting down her pockets for a photo, upon finding it, she showed it to him. “Cagney and Lacey.” She said, pointing to each of them in turn.

He nodded, appreciatively. “They have adorable chubby cheeks.”

Isadora smiled fondly at the photo before putting it away. “Ever since, I kinda got scared of getting hurt. You know, lost my edge… there was an incident in a department store. I shot a mannequin… like, a ton of times. And, I’m still not right.”

Klaus nodded. “Tell me about your detective squad.”

Isadora cleared her throat, and pointed towards two men chatting over their desks. “Uh, well… There's Fernald and Olaf. They’re pretty much worthless, but they make good coffee.”

“Copy that.”

“Now the good ones.” Isadora said. “Fiona Widdershins. Tough, smart, hard to read and really scary. She once made Olaf return her Secret Santa gift, it was a scarf.”

She pointed out the small window, to where Fiona was angrily smashing the side of her computer screen.

“Duncan Miller.” Isadora continued. “He’s a grinder. Not the most brilliant detective, but he works harder than anyone else. He’s not physically… gifted.”

Duncan was standing in the kitchen, a muffin in his hands. As they watched he dropped the muffin, and then leaned down to pick it up, therefore hitting his head on the bench. This continued for a while, a cycle of clumsiness.

“Violet Baudelaire.” Isadora continued. “She’s got seven brothers, so she’s always trying to prove she’s tough: she once poured a ridiculous amount of Tabasco sauce on her sub, after she was warned that it was hot.”

Violet was sitting at her desk, her head bent over a file as she scribbled furiously.

“She and Quagmire have some big bet over who gets more arrests this year. And ever since the bet, their numbers have gone way up.” Isadora continued.

“Tell me about Quagmire.” Klaus said.

“Quigley Quagmire is my best detective.” Isadora continued. “He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn’t solved is how to grow up.”

They looked out the window, to where Quigley was squinting at an action figure.

“That was very well put.” Klaus remarked.

“I’ve talked a lot about Quigley in my departmentally-mandated therapy sessions.” Isadora admitted.

“Look,” Klaus explained, turning towards her. “you know my history. You know how important this is to me. This precinct is doing fine. But I want to make it the best one in the Hinterlands. And I need your help.”

“Absolutely, sir.” Isadora said. “Where do we start?”

“We start with him.” Klaus said, squinting at Quigley through the window, who was dancing up to Violet’s desk singing, “what is happening?”

They were all standing in Henry Morgenthau’s apartment, taking notes and photos.

“Okay. So the perp came in through the window, left the muddy red footprint, and apparently had sex with the dish rack.” Quigley remarked, as he looked around.

“Shell casings found here. Two shots.” Violet said, standing in the middle of the room and lifting her hand to make a gun shape. “Bang, bang.”

“Great work, detective.” Quigley said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a tie, before throwing it at Violet. “You get a tie.”

Fiona grinned, as Duncan exclaimed, indignantly at him. “Hey! That’s mine, you took it from my desk.”

“That’s right, Duncan.” Quigley grinned, throwing another tie at him. “Good solve. Tie for you.”

“Thanks!” Duncan cried.

“Now, everyone be sure to put those on, because it’s impossible to solve crimes unless you’re wearing a tie.” Quigley said, rolling his eyes.

“Lay off the captain.” Violet said, sternly. “That man is gonna be my rabbi.”

“Okay, first of all, when you use the word rabbi, you know that turns me on. And that’s unfair in the work environment. Secondly, your rabbi is a pain in my ass.” Quigley smirked, Violet only sighed, turning back to her notebook.

“Yeah, he’s a little too serious.” Duncan said. “What do you think, Fiona?”

Fiona shrugged. “He seems cool.”

“Yeah, seems cool.” Duncan muttered, quickly changing tact. “I agree.”

“Looks like the perp stole a computer, a watch and a jamon iberico ham, valued at… what?” Fiona read, whistling through her teeth. “$6,000.”

“$6,000 for a ham?” Quigley snorted.

Duncan nooded. “Of course. Jamie iberico is an amazing cured ham from Spain. They had it at my uncle’s funeral, I gorged myself at that funeral. I mean, I was constipated for three days.”

“Wow.” Quigley said, looking slightly disgusted. “That’s a great story, Duncan, thank you.”

Duncan laughed, slightly.

“All right, listen up, everybody.” Quigley said, seriously. “Better contact Captain Klaus and let him know we got a ten-tie situation.”

“Speaking of times, where’s yours, meep-morp?” Captain Klaus asked, stepping into the doorway behind him. 

“This is fantastic.” Quigley muttered, under his breath before turning around to face him. “Captain! Hey! Welcome to the murder. What are you doing here?”

“I like to know what my detectives are up to. Is that okay by you?” Klaus asked.

“Yep.” Quigley said, quietly.

Klaus nodded. “Take Baudelaire and knock on doors, see if the neighbours heard anything.

“Door duty?” Quigley whined. “It’s a waste of time.”

Klaus ignored him, instead turning to the others. “Widdershins and Miller, check in with the coroner. Report back to me in an hour.”

As Violet and Quigley entered the hallway, Quigley sighed. “That went well.”

“No, it didn’t.” Klaus called, from inside the apartment. 

Quigley hissed through his teeth. “It’s like he’s got super hearing.”

“Hey, Fiona. Fiona, Fiona.” Duncan called, as he chased her out of the building.

Fiona turned back to look at him.

“Uh, I j-just happened to notice that there’s an old movie festival playing at the film forum this week. You want to go?” Duncan stammered.

“Sure.” Fiona said, as she opened the car door and climbed inside.

“Cool! Awesome.” Duncan said, a little shocked. “There’s a bunch of movie options. I’ll probably just go with something classic. Like Citizen Kane.”

“Citizen Kane is terrible.” Fiona said. “Pick a good movie.”

“Good call. Smart.” Duncan said, as Fiona put her hands in the steering wheel and drove off.

“I’ll do it.” Duncan muttered. “I’ll pick a better movie than… Citizen Kane.”

“So, Carmelita.” Klaus said, after calling her into his office. “Civilian administrators like yourself often have their ear to the ground. What do Baudelaire and Quagmire have riding on this bet if theirs?”

“I will tell you on six conditions.” Carmelita said. “Number one, you’d let me use your office to practice my dance moves. Second—”

“How about this.” Klaus interrupted her. “If you tell me, I won’t have you suspended without pay.”

“Oh! That sounds great!” Carmelita said, false cheer oozing from her pores. “Okay, so the deal is, if Violet gets more arrests, Quigley has to give her his car. It’s an old Mustang, so it’s pretty sweet. But, if he gets more arrests, she has to go on a date with him.” She lowered her voice, as if she was telling him a secret. “He guarantees that it will end in sex. I’d bet on at least some over-the-clothes action. At the very least, some touching.”

“Okay, that’s enough.” Klaus said, interrupting her before she could continue with her explanation.

“Caresses.” Carmelita continued, ignoring him. “I could see him showing up in a silk robe—”

“That’s enough, Carmelita.” Klaus said, again.

“All right.” Carmelita sighed, getting up from her chair and exiting the office.

“Let the wasting of time begin.” Quigley groaned, rolling his eyes as he knocked on one of the doors.

Violet rolled her eyes at him, as a young man opened the door.

They both wrinkled their noses as the smell hit them.

“Hello, sir.” Violet said. “May we ask you a few questions?”

“Definitely. Yeah.” The man said, nervously rubbing his arm as he noticed their police badges. “I’m actually…. I’m super glad you guys are here right now. Are-are you smelling that weed smell?”

“Yeah.” They said, in unison.

“Yeah.” The man said. “Cause a dude broke in, smoked weed, and bolted. It’s—”

“Do you think it’s the same dude that left that bong there on the floor?” Quigley interrupted, pointing to the stained carpet.

“Yes?” The man tried.

They knocked on the second door.

“Police.” Quigley said, sharply.

A man opened the door, a tiny crack, the safety bolt still in place. 

Violet and Quigley shared a subtle look.

“Hello.” Quigley said. “What’s your name?” 

“Hello.” The man said, quietly, his voice thick with an unrecognizable accent. “My name? Melepnos.”

“Can you spell that, please?” Violet asked, as she pulled out her pen.

“M-L-E-P…” The man began. “Clay.”

“Did you say Clay?” Violet asked, snapping her head up.

“Yes.” The man said. “The ‘Clay’ is silent.”

“All right.” Violet said, raising her eyebrows. “Got it.”

“Have you seen this man before?” Quigley asked, showing him a photo of their victim. “He was shot last night.”

“Oh!” The man said, reaching out and taking the photo. “Thank you.” He began to shut the door,

“No. Sir?” Violet called after him. “That’s ours, we need that.”

The door shut.

“And… he kept it.” Quigley said, raising his eyebrows at Violet.

“Wall Street Journal on the doormat, top floor apartment.” Violet noted, as they knocked in the last door. “20 bucks says this guy’s like a hot, eligible bachelor.” 

“I’ll take that action.” Quigley said, raising his fist to knock on the door. “Police, open up.”

The door opened, after a few moments, revealing an elderly man, using a walker. 

Quigley laughed. “Hello, sir! How are you today? I am Detective Right-All-The-Time, and this is my partner, Detective Terrible-Detective.”

Violet scowled at him.

Back at the precinct, they gathered around Violet and Quigley’s shared desk. 

“No surprises from the coroner. Two gunshots, shoulder and chest.” Duncan read, looking down at a thick folder.

“None of the neighbors heard or saw anything. And what's worse, Baudelaire struck out with a 92-year-old.” Quigley added.

“That is not accurate, sir.” Violet said, quickly, looking at their captain.

“Wait, you hooked you with him?” Quigley gasped. “Ugh!”

Violet kicked out at him from under the desk.

“All right. Hit the pawnshops and canvas the neighborhood. And while you're out, you can buy yourself a tie.” Klaus ordered, speaking to Quigley.

“Oh, actually, sir.” Quigley smirked, standing up. “I’m wearing a tie right now.” He lifted up the edge of his shirt, revealing a red tie wrapped around his stomach. “Check it out! Secret tie!”

“First of all, I think you're kind of overdoing it with the manscaping.” Klaus said, dryly. “But more importantly, Detective, why do you refuse to take my orders seriously? Does anyone here know why it's so important to me that you all dress appropriately?”

They all stared blankly back at him.

“Hmm. Four highly-trained detectives and not one of you can solve this simple mystery.” Klaus said, shaking his head. “Okay, I want to be briefed on any new developments. Any questions?”

“I was gonna ask you if you thought I was doing too much manscaping, but we solved that one, so I'm good.” Quigley said, shrugging.

“Mmm-hmm.” Klaus said, as he walked away.

“Hey, Duncan?” Quigley said, as his friend began to move off.

“Yeah?”

“What about this fancy ham stuff?” Quigley asked, opening up a file.

“Jamon iberico?” Duncan asked.

“Yeah.” Quigley said. “The perp left a really expensive TV, but then stole ham? It doesn’t make sense. Is there a place nearby the crime scene that sells it?”

“Beneficio’s might.” Duncan said.

“Let’s go.” Quigley said.

“You’re gonna brief the CO first, though, right?” Duncan asked.

Quigley shook his head, determinedly. “We’ll brief him after we catch the guy.”

The shop was only small, but had a huge meat range held in glass cabinets.

“My name is Ratko.” A big man behind the counter was saying. “I don’t know anything.”

“Oh. Okay.” Quigley said, pulling out a photograph. “You recognize this guy? Henry Morgenthau?”

“No.” Ratko said, not looking up.

“Maybe actually… look at the picture?” Quigley prompted.

“I don't know him. I don't know what happened.” Ratko snarled. “No more questions!”

“Well, why don't I run a scenario past you, Ratko, and you tell me what you think?” Quigley said, shrugging. “You do know Morgenthau. He came in here and tried to sell you some hams. You knew they were worth a lot of money, so you tried to steal them from him when he wasn't home. Only he was home, so you shot him. Does that sound familiar?”

Ratko shook his head.

“Uh, maybe some role-play will jog your memory?” Quigley tried.

“That's a great idea.” Duncan said. “Uh, so I'm… I'm Ratko.”

“No, no.” Quigley said, quickly. “I’m Ratko.”

“Come on.” Duncan whined. “I'm always the victim. So…”

“Look, I'm not doing this with you right here.” Quigley hissed.

“Fine. Fine.” Duncan said, shaking his head before standing in his position. “Oh, I'm Henry Morgenthau, owner of delicious and expensive hams. Don't I know you from the grocery store?”

“Kill.” Quigley raised his hand, making a gun with his fingers. “And scene.”

Ratko glanced at them, for a split second, before pushing a container full of breadsticks at them and vaulting himself over the counter.

“HPD.” Quigkey called, his gun out. “Everyone down!”

Ratko raced around the store, hiding behind a set of shelves.

“Duncan, get the door!” Quigley shouted, as he chased him. 

“On it!” Duncan shouted back.

Quigley continued down the aisle, his gun held in front of him. “Ratko?”

Ratko leapt out of his hiding place, smashing the gun out of his hands using a large piece of meat. The gun slid across the floor before coming to a stop underneath a shelf.

He then grabbed Quigley’s shoulders and began slamming him into the shelf. 

As Duncan came to help, he threw him towards him, and they both hit the ground.

Ratko continued running forwards, barreling towards the back exit, vaulting himself back over the counter.

He began to throw food from the glass cabinets at them, so they ducked behind a set of shelves.

“That’s a waste of Manchego!” Duncan cried.

“Duncan!” Quigley called, getting his attention back and miming a gun.

Duncan nodded, and ran towards the front, whilst Quigley ducked around the shelves, searching for the gun.

“Quigley! Little help?” Duncan cried, from where Ratko was shoving his face into a tray of food.

“Ratko!” Quigley shouted, as he hurried towards the counter.

Ratko shot one last glance over his shoulder as Quigley approached, before shoving Duncan deeper into the food and turning and running.

“So, no.” Quigley said, nervously. “I did not brief you. And, yes, he did get away. But some bonus good news…” He brought his hand out from behind his back and produced a small cup of ice cream. “I got you hazelnut!”

Captain Klaus only stared back at him.

“Is he seriously assigning me to the records room?” Quigley asked, incredulously. “I mean, why do we even have a records room? The computer has been invented, right? I didn’t dream it?”

“You’re lucky, man.” Isadora said, shaking her head. “I wish I could get assigned here full time. You could not be farther from the action.”

“Sergeant, you know me.” Quigley pleaded. “I have more arrests than anyone. Will you please tell the Captain how dumb it is to lock his best detective in a file cabinet?”

“Second best.” Violet interjected.

“You're wrong about Klaus.” Isadora said. “That man has forgotten more about being a cop than you will ever know. In 1981, he caught the Disco Strangler.”

“Wow.” Violet said, probably just to annoy Quigley.

“The man is the real deal.” Isadora warned, as she left the room. “You need to listen to him.”

Violet smirked at him. “Going to be hard to win our bet when you're on the bench, Quagmire. Although, I did start a new category.” She picked up a small whiteboard from the desk. “Murderers we let go. Oh, and look at that! You’re winning!”

She placed the whiteboard back on the desk, the big ‘1’ and ‘0’ glaring up at him.

“Have fun with your files.” Violet grinned, before turning and leaving.

Quigley chased after her. “Yeah. You know what? I will have fun with my files. Have fun with your face!” He turned back and tried to slam the thin metal door, but it bounced back open. “Slam! That was a slam!”

“So?” Fiona said, kicking Duncan's desk to get his attention. “What movie did you get us tickets to?”

“Oh, well, just to be safe, I bought tickets to all of them.” Duncan said.

“Just to be safe? What does that mean?” Fiona asked.

“I don't know. Uh, I didn't wanna mess up,” Duncan lowered his voice. “because you're sort of opinionated.”

“You think I'm opinionated?” Fiona scoffed. “Okay, here's an opinion for you. You're a bad judge of character and your shirt looks like vomit.”

“So we can go see North by Northwest.” Duncan said, quickly.

“We are not seeing a movie together.” Fiona said.

“Good call. Smart.” Duncan muttered, as she walked away. “Keep it profesh.”

From across the room, Carmelita blew a raspberry at him, accompanied by a steep thumbs-down.

“Hey, Captain.” Quigley said, looking up from the file on the desk in front of him.

“So you found something?” Klaus asked. “Hey, I like the tie.”

“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.” Quigley shrugged. “Anyway, I think I got something good here. Turns out the name  
Ratko is made up. But I was digging through these files, one of which I literally found in a spider web, and it turns out there were a bunch of references to a Serbian thug. Street names, "The Rat" and "The Butcher." He was known to hang out at a storage unit near Boerum Park, which has red soil, hence, the muddy red footprint on Morgenthau's counter.”

“That's fine work, Detective.” Klaus praised.

“Thank you very much, sir. A testament to what can be  
achieved when you dress appropriately.” Quigley smirked, standing up to reveal the brightly coloured speedo he was wearing. “Let's pound it out.”

Klaus’ expression hardly changed. “You know what? Such fine police work. Let's share it with the whole team.”

Quigley shook his head.

“Baudelaire, Widdershins, Miller, get in here.” He called. “Bring everyone. And a camera.”

“That’s not necessary.” Quigley said, quickly picking up a file and holding it over his waist.

“Let's have a hand for the work of the fine… oh, they’re here!” Klaus said. “...master detective, Quigley Quagmire.”

They all gathered in the doorway, as Quigley removed the file. They all laughed, and some began to clap.

“Yeah, let's have a hand, everyone. Give him a hand.” Klaus prompted, and they all began to clap and cheer loudly.

“Yeah.” Quigley said. “Thank you.”

“Looking good!” Fiona cried, trying not to laugh.

“No record of Ratko on the ledger.” Violet said, flicking through a book. “Must have used cash.”

“Well, I for one, a, just pumped to be on a stakeout with you, Captain.” Quigley said, leaning forwards from the backseat. “You know what my favourite thing about stakeouts is? Patrol Guide says no dress code. So I’m just the zip-up hoodie and my two best friends.”

Violet rolled her eyes.

“Does he always talk this much?” Klaus asked, turning towards her. 

“I just tune it out. It's like a white noise machine.” Violet answered.

“Okay, first of all, that's racist.” Quigley said. “ Secondly… Captain, Isadora told me you caught the Disco Strangler? I mean, that's incredible. I've read that case. With all due respect, sir, why'd it take you so long to get your first command?”

“Because I’m gay.” Klaus explained.

“Uh… seriously?” Quigley asked.

“I'm surprised you didn't know. I don't try to hide it.” Klaus shrugged.

“Damn.” Quigley said. “I am not a good detective.”

“Here.” Fiona said, handing Duncan a wad of notes. “I feel bad that you spent all that money on the movie tickets.”

“Why don't you just go to the movies with me?” Duncan asked.

“No.” 

“Okay.” Duncan said.

They fell into silence.

“Well, this is awkward.” Duncan remarked.

“It's not awkward. I like your company. You're sweet.”

Duncan beamed.

“When did you come out?” Violet asked.

“About 25 years ago.” Klaus said. “The HPD was not ready for an openly gay detective. But then the old guard died out, and suddenly, they couldn't wait to show off the fact that they had a highly ranking gay officer. I made Captain, but they put me in a public affairs unit. I was a good soldier. I helped recruitment. But all I ever really wanted was my own command. And now, I finally got it. And I'm not gonna screw it up.”

“Uh, Captain, I'm sorry. I…” Quigley sighed. “I feel like a jackass… but on the flip side there’s Ratko. Humility over, I’m amazing!”

They opened the car doors, and stepped out, rushing towards the door pulling their bullet proof vests on as they ran.

“Fantastic.” Quigley groaned. “3,000 indentical blue doors.”

“Looks like we all got door duty.” Klaus said.

“Oh, yeah. From before. Good one.” Quigley said, before turning to Violet. “You look great.”

Violet raised her eyebrows at him, as he spun around the hallway. 

“Clear.”

They kept going down the hallway, where they came across a woman sweeping a mop around.

Violet motioned for her to move, and she motioned going around.

Violet widened her eyes, dragging her finger along her vest where it said, ‘HPD’. The woman rolled her eyes, and let them pass.

“Unbelievable.” Violet muttered under her breath.

Quigley made his way down a different hallway, and spotted an unlocked door. He leaned down, pulling it up.

Ratko spun around, pulling a gun on him.

“Ratko, great to see you.” Quigley said.

“You can't stop me.” Ratko said. “I’m going.”

“Actually…” Quigley said. “You’re not going anywhere. “Cause, if you take a look to your left you’ll see Detectives Miller and Widdershins. Right there is Detective Baudelaire. And behind you, is Captain Klaus. Point is, my team has you surrounded.”

There was a beat of silence, before he said, “oh my God! I just got the tie thing! Captain, I just figured it out.”

“Maybe now’s not the best time, Detective.” Klaus said, his gun still pointed at Ratko’s back.

“We’re a team, and the tie is part of that team’s uniform, right?” Quigley laughed. 

“You ask Ratko what team?” Ratko asked, confused.

“No, Ratko, shut up.” Quigley said. “It's important to you, because you were kept off the team for so long, and now you're the coach and you want us to all wear that same uniform. Boom! Nailed it.”

“Yes, you did.” Klaus said. “Now just arrest Ratko.”

“All right, Ratko, down. Drop the weapon. Hands on your head. Here we go.” 

Ratko tried to bolt down one of the corridors, towards Violet.

“He’s running!” Quigley shouted, and Violet pulled out a baton, knocking him down.

“Got him!” She cried, as he fell.

They all rushed towards him, pinning his hands behind his back.

“That’s how we do it in the Nine-Nine, sir.” Quigley said, looking towards his captain. “We catch bad guys and look good doing it.”

He twitched.

“What's wrong with you?” Klaus asked.

“Never took off the Speedo. Big mistake.” Quigley said, before lowering his voice. “It’s inside me.”

**Author's Note:**

> So, I’ll probably be writing a few more, just of the episodes I like, but if you have a favourite or one you’d like to see, let me know in the comments!


End file.
